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Thoughts of My Little One in Heaven


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

I became one of the statistics almost 2 years ago when I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was one of those people that thought this could never happen to.

I wondered if there was something I could’ve done differently to prevent it.

I learned miscarriage is a LOT more common than I thought. After posting a status on my FB account, I had a whole lot of people message me telling me their stories of miscarriage. It really helped me to not feel alone in this. I was quite surprised how many people had all experience miscarriage.

I started spotting and wasn’t too worried because I know spotting happens occasionally. Then I started to bleed more. I called one of my pastors and asked her to pray for me. I can’t remember how many days passed, but it was Sunday morning when I was at church that I felt something that prompted me to go to the bathroom. Then it happened. While I used the bathroom, I felt something come out. I looked in the toilet and saw a blob.
It was opaque and really small. I wasn’t sure if that was the baby sac. I knew I had to at least examine it and I just sucked it up and stuck my hand in and took it out. I thought the amniotic sac the baby is in would be clear so I didn’t think this was the baby, but I had a feeling it was. Of course, I later found out from my midwife that yes, the sac is clear and it was probably opaque because the baby had already died a week or 2 prior to my miscarrying.

I came out of the bathroom and stood out in the foyer for a few minutes contemplating texting the pastor I had called earlier in the week but didn’t want to disturb her during service. I wanted to cry and needed someone but ended up going back to my seat next to my husband. It took me a bit before I told him I thought I had just lost the baby. He didn’t show much emotion and put his attention back to the service. I, however, couldn’t pay attention. I don’t remember how long it was before I started crying in my seat. I do remember it was near the end of service when friends of ours, a couple, were getting prayed for as they were leaving to start their own church. My husband turns to me and asks, “Are you crying because of they’re leaving?”

I can laugh now but I was thinking, “Are you crazy? I told you earlier I think I lost the baby.”

After the service ended, I was waiting for my pastor friend to talk with her, but she was busy talking with someone else. Another pastor came up to me and asked how I was doing. I told him I think I lost the baby and started crying. He went to find another female pastor. (We have a lot of associate pastors at our church.)

The pastor that came up to me had also had a miscarriage herself so she knew exactly how I was feeling. She prayed for me and encouraged me.

I was in a daze on the ride home. My husband wasn’t much help during this whole period of mourning for me. I had to ask him what the deal was because it didn’t seem like he was bothered at all. He told me he thinks it was because he didn’t really feel attached to the baby. I still don’t understand it but I had to accept it. It just made it harder for me because I felt like I was grieving alone and he didn’t seem to understand and couldn’t empathize.

I was able to function normally because the peace of God gave me strength, but, of course, I had my moments.

That baby would be a year and a few months old right now if he/she was alive on earth. I wish I knew the gender so I could refer to him/her as a him or a her instead of saying him/her. I think about him/her every so often and cry every time I hear of another miscarriage or watch a movie where a character loses a baby.

My only consolation is that he/she is with Jesus and forever safe with Him. He/she will never have to experience pain, sadness, and sorrow. I just need to make sure I finish this race here on earth so that I can be reunited with him/her in heaven!

I see from this and so many other things that have happened in my life how God totally uses these bad situations for His good. He uses me to help others that are going through the exact things that I have gone through by encouraging them and showing them they CAN make it to the other side!!

From my own personal experience when I was going through a crisis, it helps to know the person you’re talking with TOTALLY understands what you are going through and feeling because they’ve been through it themselves. I’ve learned to (but haven’t quite mastered, yet) embrace trials because it not only builds my faith in the Lord and grows me spiritually, but it also adds to my “experience” and enables me to minister to the specific people that are currently going through the trials that I’ve already navigated and share insight and wisdom in those areas.

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